Guidelines for Communication Between Friends

During this week’s reading the one concept that popped out to me was the guidelines for communication between friends at the end of the chapter. The section just explains better ways to communicate amongst friends. The four subtitles are engage in dual perspective, communicate honestly, grow from differences, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Engaging in dual perspective is the act of distinguishing between our judgments and perceptions and what friends say and do. Secondly, communicating honestly is a key factor in a friendship. Honesty is one of the most important gifts friends can give each other. It involves being honest in every situation because lying will just make bigger holes for you in the long run. Grow from differences is the next guideline and it means to be open to diversify with other people. Being friends with someone different then us can be rewarding in the long run. Lastly, don’t sweat the small stuff is the final principle which tells us to let go of small irritations because they will slowly destroy closeness in relationships. 

My Bestfriend

When I think of someone very close to me the first person that pops in my head is my girlfriend, who is also my best friend. As I think of the past I realize that there have been many investments made into this relationship between me and her. We have invested our time, effort, thought, and emotions into this relationship. Trust, acceptance, and closeness are key components in a healthy friendship. Trust is built gradually over time and it can be lost even faster. I’ve built trust in my relationship by telling the truth and communicating every little detail to my partner. Acceptance just comes naturally with a close friend. You shouldn’t have to hide anything from your friend. Lastly, closeness can be achieved through dialogue or by doing activities with one another. Intimacy is a big thing in closeness and it really makes the relationship. I would definitely say that my relationship is consistent with the dynamics described in this chapter. 

Friendship.com

After viewing this website I found that there are a number of challenges to friendship discussed in this chapter in the advice forum. There are a lot of friendships that are subject to internal tensions and external pressures. In one of the forums I saw someone post that they have had this friend since they were little and all the sudden they get a boyfriend. Now the friends aren’t spending as much time together because one is more focused on the boyfriend. This is an example of an external pressure called competing demands. Sometimes we neglect established friends because of new relationships coming into our life. This specific example from the forum did directly reflect one of the challenges as stated in the book. There were also plenty of other issues raised that reflected challenges in relationships like geographic distance, diverse communication styles, and personal changes. So overall I would say that the website was pretty much spot on. 

Features of Satisfying Relationships

The concept from the text I decided to discuss was the features of satisfying relationships. There are four components to this concept and they are investment, commitment, trust, and comfort with relational dialectics. With all four of these components in tact in is almost guaranteed your relationship with thrive. Investments are what we put into relationships that we could not retrieve if the relationship were to end. Investing can count as materially, time, money, thought, and feelings. Commitment is a decision to remain in a relationship through thick and thin. It is defined as a decision not a feeling. If a couple is committed then they are less likely to look for a reason to end the relationship. Trust involves believing in another’s reliability and emotionally relying on another to look out for the wellbeing of the relationship. It does not come automatically; it is given over time in the relationship. Comfort with relational dialectics defined as understanding opposing forces that are continuous and normal in relationships. Just like the little fights couples may have day to day. This section really helped me with my own personal relationship so I would definitely recommend it.

Discomfirmation

I can think of numerous times where I felt disconfirmed and defensive at the same time. One specific instance in my mind at the moment was when my father was putting me down about my grades back in high school. Saying that i would never amount to anything or be anyone without the grades. Of course I was disconfirmed because my dad was essentially telling me I’m an idiot. Now I see he was only doing it to pushing me to strive to be everything I can be. What he said still disconfirmed me but I noticed some of Gibbs defensiveness producing communication behaviors was throughout our whole conversation. Evaluation was a big one throughout because of how my father was judging me based on my grades at the time. Controlling communication was also present in the quarrel since I felt as if my dad was trying to control every move in my life.  Evaluation and controlling communication were the most prevalent and they could have been changed by description and problem orientation. 

Confirming Others

In my past experiences with others I have definitely found it difficult to confirm others especially when I disagree with them. It is literally one of the hardest things to do as a person. I’m very open minded but some individuals make it particularly hard for me to be confirming. After going through this chapter and reading it I for sure got a better view on recognition, acknowledgement and endorsement. Recognition is the most basic form of confirmation in which we recognize that another person exists by either verbal or nonverbal communication. Acknowledgement of what another feels, thinks, or says is the second level of confirmation. The strongest level of confirmation is endorsement. Endorsement involves accepting another’s thoughts or feelings. It is very simple distinguishing between these three levels of confirmation.  Confirming others as people is very broad and endorsing a particular idea is much focused. You can confirm anyone but when endorsing a particular idea it becomes very detailed and you must listen throughout.

Deep and Surface Acting

From this chapter I found two things I find interesting. Deep acting and surface acting are part of feeling rules which tell us what we have a right to feel or what we are expected to feel in particular situations. Feeling rules can reflect anything such as values of cultures and social groups. Deep acting has to do with controlling or managing ones inner feelings. This involves learning what one should and should not feel. For example, as a child I was taught that I should feel grateful when given a gift even if I did not like the gift. Deep acting requires changing how we perceive and label events and occurrences.  Surface acting is the monitoring of outward expression of inner feelings. It has to do with controlling emotions rather than feelings. For instance, as a child we learn to say thank you when receiving a gift. Expressing gratitude is emphasized more than feelings grateful in this case.